Twisters, Terrorists and Team Sports

What a week for news fellow procrastinators, what a week indeed. We had the United States announce they had finally done the deed on Osama bin Laden, well at least that’s the story they’re feeding us. Which is all good, I’m so far beyond Cable news and government information having any effect over the way I perceive the world, that I am fairly non-chalent about the whole deal. They probably had him dead yonks ago but need this to build American spirit going into another decade of the war on oil. Even if he is dead, the price they would pay of having the whole world learn of his CIA ties would be enough to cause mass-revolt in the land of the thieves, home of the slaves (thanks Brother Ali, you’re tops). Any who, should provide some great material for comics...we all get sick of the racism, women, sex, when I was a kid formula. Which is why I love Bill Hicks. He calls people cunts on stage, it makes me giggle. Hehe.

Then to top that, the North Shore was rampaged by a tornado of Biblical proportions...well maybe not Biblical, I mean, it was hardly Oklahoma City sort of stuff but still caused a bit of chaos nonetheless. Smashed up a Pak-N-Save and the Albany Mega Centre, if anything it shows that God dislikes the impact that large retail franchises are having on local retail and for once in his life decided to do something about it with through the only way he knows how: through a dangerous rotating column of air. I kid, I kid – if anything history has shown God is more likely to use water to vent his wrath through floods, tsunamis, monsoons etcetera. This was clearly the work of some other force, something far more terrorizing, something far more savage, something far more tangible. I’m talking of course, about the Tasmanian Devil.

You may know him by his scientific name – Taz, and in the early 90s, he wreaked havoc all across the land done under where the sky remained yellow whether it rains or shines. Come to Tasmania, come to Tasmania. What we really should be addressing and what the media refuses to investigate with fear of facing corporate backlash from media Magneto, Time Warner, is how and why this animated beast decided to vent his frustration through the suburbs of Glenfield and Albany. We can only speculate – but my money’s on North Shore party goers, particularly the male consortium, all wearing matching collared shirts, usually white in colour. Either that or he caught something after bedding a frisky female Tasmanian devil after a night out in Taka, and the only way he knew how to deal with it involved spinning anti-clockwise at the speed of sound to the point where he couldn’t control his own momentum. But whether it was an act of deity or an act of anime, one thing is for sure, folks on the Shore will never feel the same way about part games involving placing body parts on coloured circles on a white mat again. See what I did there?

To cap it off, a hat trick of surprise in the news this week was topped off with perhaps the greatest public bombshell of all. Prepare yourself folks, because it doesn’t get much bigger than this. We all remember how we felt watching 9/11 unfold, the Japanese Tsunami and Joel Monaghan putting his in the jaw of a Labrador/retriever cross. Yes folks, this is bigger than high profile sportspeople being photographed partaking in drunken acts of bestiality. I opened up this morning’s Herald(Wednesday 4th May for those belated readers), which I’d like to point out we get free at work, if I wanted to pay money for garbage I would have bought Derty Sesh’s record. Sorry dude, no offence, I just think lyrically you lack substance. So yeah, I opened up the paper, only to find that your favourite fuckwit, and mine, has written something positive about Rugby League. That’s right folks; Chris “The I Have No Analytical Ability So Resort to Mindless Ranting” Rattue has given props to the Kiwis ahead of their showdown with the Kangaroos on the Gold Coast this forthcoming Friday evening.

It felt like the ground moved slightly as I gasped in absolute shock when reading Rattue’s sentiments. Now I know how the cast of Tremors must have felt, if only the special effects had been given more attention. Sure his analysis of the players in both teams was done with any real logic, but that should come of no surprise when reading the works of a writer who has the journalistic integrity of a test tube baby raised and reared in a secret room at Fox News headquarters in New York City. Now don’t jump to any conclusions her News Ltd., I love what O’Reilly’s doing with his comb over, YouTube still has some value despite the bullshit copyright laws, and you do own half of my favourite NRL team – but if a scientific study were carried out and the statement “there’s two sides to every story” was indeed proven true, your media outfit would be the statistical anomaly.

Now here were we – ah yes Chris Rattue. Now I’m not sure if it was the Herald’s anti-World Cup campaign, which for the record they stole from my friend Brad who was anti-World Cup without having a fact-based gripe long before any stupid fucking newspaper, but Rattue seems to have come to terms with that incident in the Fowldes Park car park I referred to in an earlier blog entry, and is making an attempt to move on. Good for you Chris, good for you. I true share your excitement for this Friday night’s ANZAC Test, the difference being however, that I am a TRUE FAN, and am willing to PAY MY OWN WAY to get there and see the game FIRST HAND and enjoy the sporting experience as a TRUE FAN would. That is not to say that I applaud your writing ability at all, and your anecdotes fall short of the mark. Sure, mine are a little out there, but at least they garner a chuckle from time to time and are able to get the reader to develop images within their heads. Yours do too, but the images involve you self and a cattle prod.

Rattue’s article shows that he is not fully over his rugby league nightmares however, as he stumbles back in to old habits, bagging a Warriors side who managed to defend well against a Penrith attack running with the win at their backs in the first half, whilst destroying them in the second. Rattue and I must have been watching different games; though I guess the game does look a little different watching Sky’s mediocre (at best) coverage from inside your propaganda-funded mansion instead of being at the game in person and actually experience what it is to see Rugby League live in the flesh. I felt that Penrith ran very well in that first half, with only drop ball and fantastic scrambling defence from the Warriors preventing them from scoring more than once. But that is just my opinion, and hey, what would I know, I’m not paid by a paper to write as much dribble as I can possibly conjure in order to feed the minds of idiots and garner a plethora of complaints from people who actually possess brain cells alike. But I digress.

A crazy week for news dudes, let’s hope the Kiwis get up and we round off an n incredibly shocking week with something a little more predictable: easy girls at WAXYS on the Coast. Chur.