Current Affairs-A-Go-Go II: Fuckwits-A-Go-Go

Hey there dudes. Listen, I like a good internet craze as much as the next person, I really do. When cats were getting Rick Rolled more than cops impersonating rappers performing basic gymnastics manoeuvres, I was there. When ghost riding the whip had nothing to do with supernatural dominatrix, I was there. When 2 girls 1 cup was taking off, I was in the front row with a chocolate fudge ice cream and caramel milkshake. So yeah, I’m pretty open to people doing stupid shit in the name of getting some sort of “street cred” for it on the World Wide Web. But fuck planking. Let me rephrase that. Fuck planking pre-dude falling off his multiple stories and splattering himself on the pavement. What the fuck is the big deal about dudes lying down? Honestly, the last person who created a media storm from simply lying on their stomach was Jenna Jameson, but at least she had half a dozen penises in her face. I just don’t get it. Planking is like the Napoleon Dynamite of new media crazes. Sure it’s different, and people act like its groundbreaking because it’s a complete 180 from the stuff we’ve experienced before, but at the end of the day, it’s still just a bunch of uncreative motherfuckers doing fuck all.



I watched some dude hatchet of his penis and testicles on the BME Pain Olympics and you expect me to be shocked and amazed and struck down in absolute awe by some guy laying down on a speed bump? Well I’m sorry but unless a car driven at 100km/hour, by Monster Garage host Jesse James or former WWE Champion David Batista refuses to brake and hits the speed bump so hard it severs the guy’s body in two, sending both halves flying in opposite directions like a couple of human-boomerangs, I’m not with it. This is the Grand Theft Auto generation bitches, so you’d better show me some blood and guts, or I’m not giving a fuck, end of...so Imagine my surprise when I read yesterday morning that some dude in Australia falls to his death whilst trying to plank on his balcony rail...now THIS is a craze I’d rally behind. I can’t wait for the next instalment. Plank on a Red Barron-esque WWI fighter plane 1000 feat in the air and fall, plank on the edge of the Sky Tower’s bungee deck and fall, plank on the motorway in the middle of the night wearing nothing but a cardboard box so when a drunk Arab driving his Integra sees you in his lane he doesn’t even consider braking. Wow me guys, wow me.

Speaking of wowing me, the media’s reliance on Twitter posts from semi-famous people for current affairs angles and breaking news stories only further adds fuel to my argument that mainstream media has no conscience, has no ability, has no balls and has no class. It is the technological reincarnation of the fallen beast we call Beelzebub. In an age where competition for audience has never been hotter, costs for hardcopy media have never been higher and demands from corporate investors have never been harsher, you’d think our friends at the Herald would at least try and conjure up something half decent to lure back the educated readers (i.e. the few percent who probably have the ability to purchase papers, respond to high priced advertisements and generally reflect the pinnacle of whom every media outlet should aspire to reach). Furthermore, where New Zealand sport has never been so competitive with our Australian counterparts, you’d think this done-to-death-but-never-too-dead-to-be-rehashed angle would be perfect for catapulting fringe sports into the spotlight, drawing in audiences, old and new alike ,thus further exposing your product and thus your investors’ products to a greater market share, wouldn’t you?




So again, imagine my reaction when I was directed to an article in this morning’s (May 17 2011) Herald, regarding comments made about Northern Mystics shooter Catherine Latu on popular social networking platform, Facebook....Facebook. Yes, the same website where a guy offered to drink his own urine if his group got 10000 members. Yes, the same website where pages promoting David Bain’s innocence drew as many responses as those promoting his fashion sense. The same social networking platform which has such grass roots political movements as “Ugly Niggaz Need Love Too” and where more people have joined “Chuck Norris Facts” then vote in our general election. Hardly the source for stimulating intellectual debate, Facebook provided the Herald for a fantastic angle heading into the Mystics’ ANZ Championship final this weekend against the undefeated Queensland Firebirds after a poster suggested, and might I add correctly suggested, Catherine Latu was overweight. A fatty. That’s right, where other media outfits would be highlighting the tenacity and amazing resurgence of the Tactics, and the David vs. Goliath battle which is bound to ensue when they attempt to climb the unconquerable mountain that is this weekend’s netball grand final, your favourite leading newspaper, and mine (sarcasm alert, sarcasm alert) decides to go with the “fatty angle”. Look, I’m not saying Latu is not a gifted athlete. She might be an allegiance switching swine, but she’s still pretty handy under the hoop. She is however, visibly plump. Chubby. A biggun. Out of shape. For lack of a better word, a fatty. She is, you can’t deny that. That’s not an opinion, that’s a fact based conclusion drawn by one person (probably many more) whose opinion means diddly squat and should not overshadow the fringe sports grandest stage this coming weekend. So do us all a favour, New Zealand Herald, pick up your fucking balls and conjure up something half decent for once. Fuck, if you wanted to run with the fatty angle, produce a full page article profile Latu, her trials and tribulations, how she has come up, all the hard work she’s done to get where she is, and maybe, then maaaaaybe you can mention her weight as being an obstacle (I’m guessing you’d mention it around playing netball when she was younger, try and get that role model type of thing happening). I could write rings around your sad sack sports journalists, but that’s what happens when you have a brain.

Gee wiz, a thousand words already. I’ll be back later this week for more mindless rants. If anyone wants to suggest topics they’d like to see covered, feel free to send them to kickinginheads@gmail.com. I’m not saying I’ll pay attention to your requests, but hey, you never know. Leave your comments below. This Current Affairs A Go Go is fun stuff.