ANZAC fever

I've got ANZAC fever, and I'm not talking about the type you get after sleeping with a dodgy female-ish creature after an all nighter at Kings Cross. No no guys, as an avid Rugby League fan, April-slash-May means one thing - ANZAC Test time. The one time a year New Zealand stands a chance before playing Australia and disappoints rediculously practically every time. The Kiwis in ANZAC Tests are like the fat chick in school, desperate to score though more often than not fall short of the mark. Nevertheless, come May 6th I shall embark over the ditch to the Gold Coast, where I will witness my faithful Kiwis attempt to break a 13 year droubt and bring home the goods, which despite history being against them, they stand more chance at doing than Chris Rattue writing a logical article. And thats saying something.

Seven rounds in, and the NRL has already shown that when it comes to football in the Southern Hemisphere, Rugby League is head and shoulders above the competition. Whether its been the emergance of up and coming superstars such as Ben Barba, the ressurection of the Brisbane Broncos on the back of Darren Lockyer and Justin Hodges, the forever delayed flight that is the Hayne-plane or the hillarious public fuck up that Todd Carney keeps revealing himself to be, 2011 has had it all. We even had those cute little fellas that play for the Kiwis and poke their tongues knock someone out, and be knocked out, respectivly. Yep, 2011 has had it all, and on May 6th, shit gets personal.

I love my NRL, I love my Origin, but for me, its International Rugby League that garners my attention the most. I was there when we beat Australia in 2003, when we won the World Cup in 08, when we won the Four Nations last year, and countless other classics, including the match where David Kidwell smashed that dickwhotalkedabsoluteshitabouthavinganyshotatsecuringanNFLcontract Willie Mason. Despite what the critics say about the elgibility policy and it being looser than Millie Holmes after a night in with the boys, it very rarely fails to deliver. Unlike Millie, who is probably prone to consuming the product before it reaches its designated destination. But thats another point completely. Oh look, another pun about her P habit. I guess I can't stop. Oh, there goes another one.

With that, Kicking In Heads returns to your monitors and wanky smartphones and even wankier iPhones with its Squad hand picked by yours truely, to meet the Kangaroos at Ribena-I beg your pardon-Skilled Park. If you disagree with the selections, feel free to post who you would pick in the comments section, but lets be honest, my opinion means fuck all anyway. Let's get on with it shall we.

1. Lance Hohaia

As custodian, Lance has had fairly good success with the Warriors and the Kiwis, particularly in the World Cup Final where he single handedly swung the match in New Zealand's favour. Sure he was tackled early by a guy who would eventually go on to stick his dick in a dog's mouth, and he probably wouldn't have got to the ball anyway, Lance Hohaia that is, but it was still a pivotal moment nonetheless. Don't let his recent form fool you, he'll do the job come May 6th. Besides, who else would you put here, the 300 thousand dollar Vulcan, Inu? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, you crack me up more than a Shaun Metcalfe punt to the sternum.

2. Matt Duffie

Don't let his attendance of Auckland's St. Kents College confuse you, he's also good well skilled at holding onto non-human balls, and over the last couple of years, Duffie has been one of the more well-rounded Toyota Cup players to make the step up into the Premiership. He's scored a bunch of tries since debuting in last year's World Club Challenge, is solid on defence and seems to be able to read the play fairly well. It makes a difference having a winger who can read in general, which always helps too.

3. Lewis Brown

Its either this cunt or Matai, and over the last couple of years Lewie has been tearing the fringes up like Sailor Moon fiending for a point. We are skinny as shit in the three quater department, yet seem to have an abundance of second rowers, and as the Kiwis will be up against a monster centre pairing which will feature any combination of Hodges, Inglis and Idris, having someone who can hit hard on defence, and take it to the opposition on attack will be crucial. That, and he can bust through a hole harder than *insert NRL player accused of sexual misconduct here*.

4. Shaun Kenny-Dowell

Kenny-Dowell was the New Zealand Rugby League player of the year last season, and played a crucial role in securing the Four Nations title for the lads midway through November 2010. Sure his initials make him sound like a newly discovered sexually transmitted disease, and his styles is equally if not more infectious, but Shaun has been clean as a whistle with the Steeden, and has the amazing ability to run an angle, something New Zealand three quaters have struggled to do since Nigel Vagana fancied himself as a five-eighth, without a kicking or passing game, you know, James Maloney sorta stuff.

5. Jason Nightengale

The first Australian in my line up, and not a resentment about picking him, is Jason Nightengale, who has been the form winger of the comp for the past one and a bit seasons, applying his trade at the Dragons. I figure he's due another big one for the lads in black, and with Bennett leaving for the Knights next season, I suggest we pick him quick, as we never know what he'll be like under an average coach next season. Use him when he's on form, then throw him on the scrap heap when...I mean if...he turns to shit next season. He's a gun.

6. Benji Marshall (c)

You know, I was sorta bummed Benji wouldnt have a photo taken with us at the conclusion of last year's Four Nations match, but then after seeing him carry on like he was the Tama fucking Iti of the rugby league world outside a Sydney McDonalds at the beginning of the year, I'm glad. Nevertheless, if was racism or him not liking the truth about Darren Lockyer being leagues ahead of him, we'll never know, and the fact is, dude's been in rich form for the Kiwis these last few years. Sure there was a dodgy try in the World Cup that he scored, and the forward passathon that was Fieny's effort last year, but who gives a fuck about fairness, we won bitch! That and he looks cute doing the haka, which is always nice.

7. Keiran Foran

Foran's been in good nick for the Sea Eagles this season, and will pick up his third test jersey for the 2011 ANZAC test. Funny little fact about Foran, as much like Benji Marshall, he represented Australia at schoolboy level. His brother, Liam, who disappeared off the face of the earth quicker than the smoking gun on the Grassy Noll, has recently signed on to join his brother at Manly, and also plays in the halves. We may one day get to see the brothers combine in the halves for New Zealand, but lets hope they don't pull a Henry and Robbie Paul and get all faggy with the hairdos and Pommy accents.

8. Sam Rapira

Its not his fault his coach has him playing a one-off-the-ruck style of play which limits his effectiveness. Rapira is an awesome talent, who hits the line at pace and takes a lot to shut down. As with Kiwis teams in the past, our forwards are the key, and the more they can drag their underwhelming Australian counterparts, yes their forwards are incredibly vulnerable I said it, into an arm wrestle, the greater the chance we have at winning. That and he smashes more cunts than Ridgey.

9. Nathan Fien

Aussie number two, not good enough for the Warriors, the man who is to be replaced by a guy equally as old, half as talented, and almost named exactly the same, Nathan Fien would start as hooker if I had my way. The guy can play a shitload of minutes and star in a shitload of roles, be it scooting out of dummy half, taking two steps to play pivot, kicking from behind the ruck, or just generally rarking shit up with the opposition. He's a rare breed, and we should thank God, aka Wayne Bennett, for snapping him up before the Super League could get their egg-n-bacon covered mits on him.

10. Roy Asotasi

The former Captain who has been in terrible form the past couple of seasons seems destined to redeem himself, and I'd have him in my starting front row, if anything to provide a bit of stability. Most league fans would know that our younger bulls can have the tendency to start getting a bit silly, I think Roy would do the business, especially in those early clashes with the likes of Gallen, Bird and the like. Pity he plays for Souths.

11. Alex Glenn

The Cook Island international seems destined for higher, and lets be honest, less shit, honors as the former Brisbane Under 20s captain hits his strides in the big time this season. He's been in more fucking positions than Jenna Jameson, though the second row seems to be his sort of gig. I like my second rowers mobile and capable of an offload, so lets go with Glenn to start.

12. Adam Blair

You might know him as the guy who pokes his tongue out when leading the haka, but what you might not know is that Adam Blair was born in Whangerei, and thus is one of the few Kiwis who actually has Maori heritage. Hmm. Go figure. Anyways, used to be a prop, now plays in the second row, has dropped a bit of weight, and seems to be going good on the fringes. Let's have him here, with the option of moving closer to the ruck if shit gets a bit messy. I'd love to see him flatten thatcunt Snowden if he gets the nod.

13. Jeremy Smith

Don't let his Christchurch heritage fool you, he's anything but shaky when it comes to footy, and in the Four Nations final last year he proved to the world what a tough cunt he truely is, forcing that girlfriend-glassing dropkick Greg Bird, who also plays for New South Wales by the way, to drop his nuts faster than a squirrel with KY on his hands. Which knowing Greg Bird, probably happens a little too literally from time to time. Anyway, Smith's a very good defender, has squiggles drawn on his arms, and can play a shitload of minutes, which we need as most of our forwards get gassed quicker than your car by these fuckwit attendents at service stations these days. Seriously, what is up with these idiots. Smithy for 13 though

Interchange

Isaac Luke Goes well when given the chance off the bench, has fantastic ability to scoot and contrary to what his size may suggest, is a fantastic defender. Great talent to put on if a half goes down and Fieny has to switch, or to switch things up behind the ruck.

Frank Pritchard Has had a rollercoaster career with the Kiwis, the highlight of which being the kinghit he put on AFL Superstar Harmichael Kunt. Sure he's an Aussie (no. 3), but we like him anyway, and after shedding the winter blanket over the off season, he'll be the one fill the spot Sika Manu previously had when it came to running wide. Can also play a bit of front row too.

Bronson Harrison If it werent for Alex Glenn's stellar season so far, Bronny would be a certain starter. Nevertheless, he'd be in my team. He gives the Aussies shit, tackles hard, and is just a good cunt to have on should a stink erupt. The Raiders are going shithouse, but Harrison will do wonders with a quality pack and halves combo on May 6th.

Frank-Paul Nuuausala One of Mangere East's finest will be the frontrower who I'd have on the bench. He can punch through the line with relative ease, can run an angle, and can smash dudes on D. That and he's half Samoan, 1/4 Soloman Island and 1/4 Chinese, which makes him a perfect candidate for the already multinational national side that is the Kiwis. Which is funny, coz we always bitch about Tonie Carroll.

The other three I'd have in the squad would be: Simon Mannering, Fui Fui Moi Moi and Junior Sau, with Kevin Proctor and Josh Hoffman being the young guns gaining Kiwis camp experience and just getting rowdy with the boys on the piss afterwards.

That's the team that will hopefully drag Australia to a low enough level to allow the Kiwis to snatch their third straight victory on Queensland soil. I'm not overly confident, but given the amount of smashness we have in the pack, I think we'll atleast see plenty of fireworks. Get amongst it. Could be worse, could be watching South African Super 15 interconference matches, or the Melbourne Rebels...seriously Denan, you couldn't even make that footy side? I heard the 'Nix are looking for some speed on the flanks...