Excuse me Mr. Cleaver, but I'll have to cut you off...

Lol, lol, lol. My puns make me chuckle. Almost as much as Dylan Cleaver’s column regarding the Halberg Awards mere hours after the winners were announced. In Cleaver’s column, which can be viewed at the New Zealand Herald website, he declares war on the Halberg Awards Committee, for having the audacity to overlook our cherished little All Blacks in favour of the big bad All Whites, as the national football side rape and pillaged their way through the ceremony like a rugby league side during happy hour on Mad Monday.

How dare the Committee give credit to a sporting side which stood up to top 20 nations such as Paraguay and the defending world champions Italy and grinded out draws (and in the case of Italy, struck first). How dare the committee congratulate Ricky Herbert and his pack of ceremony molesters for gutsing it out in front of billions of legitimate viewers worldwide (not the kind IRB and the Rugby World Cup Committee invent to justify their expenditure to Government officials and their attractiveness advertisers and Corporate partners). I tell ya, if our saviour, Richard “Jesus Part II: This Time its Personal” McCaw, hadn’t been given recognition over that Chief award violator Ryan Nelson, there would have been riots in the streets. By crikey, I’m just as angry as you Mr. Cleaver, the only difference being my sarcasm.

Let’s cut to the chase: who gives a flying fuck about the Halberg Awards. You said it yourself, the Committee is overly bureaucratic and the voting process is flawed – we’ve known this for years – so why would you buy into the hype surrounding the ceremony if you already disagree with the entire thing to begin with? You only have to look back at history at the times Rugby League has been overlooked because of the nature of those who make up the committee, or the considerable bias given to track and field and rowing – two niche markets which outside of Olympics year couldn’t draw a crowd if their performance enhancing drug tests depended on it.

Furthermore, if you’d taken the time to look at the nature of awards ceremonies in general, you would see that they are subject to bias, lack of logic and misinformed opinions. Anything which utilises non-black and white criteria is going to be grey in the shade department, and awards ceremonies are greyer than a Winston Peters’ sex party...haha, I’m such a funster. As a “legitimate” journalist writing for a “top” media outfit, why would you bother with something so trivial and subject to falsities?

I think I know why – because there is public interest, because people like contests, and it will sell papers, draw viewers and stir up talk back controversy. Which makes me wonder, Mr. Cleaver, why you can’t see how anyone could think the All Whites deserved the honours, because their performance ticks all the above boxes as well as the invisible one which is, believe it or not, many New Zealanders couldn’t give a Tim Southee mile high club escapade about rugby. Its law of averages sort of stuff, and you and many others should just get over yourselves and support your code in the ways you can – purchase the merchandise, go to the games, purchase Sky memberships to drive ratings up and visit the websites. Money is the only thing which matters when determining which sport is chief (In which case your faithful rugby would also fall short as the posted a loss).

It seems, Mr. Cleaver, that you’ve let your All Blacks scarf and your All Blacks key ring get in the way of quality journalism and genuine debate. We shouldn’t be talking about the legitimacy of a fucking Awards ceremony, as a paid journalist, I expect more from you, and your buddies. How about writing a column or two about the undemocratic process that is Government funding for local sport, or about the effect that hypothesised television audience figures have on professional sport, or the effect that sporting merchandise made in the third world has on the growing divide between the haves and have nots.

But most of all, how about you use the influence and resources you have at your disposal to partake in some quality journalism, and for lack of a better phrase, grow some fucking balls.

(Look, no Beaver Cleaver references!!!)